Keeping Faith

Always pray to have eyes that see the best, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith.It’s been two weeks without Kyra now. Sometimes it feels like forever, and sometimes it feels like she’s still with us, just waiting to peek around a corner. Today, for some reason, was another day to grieve–even though we got to spend the day enjoying ourselves with friends. Hubs and I had a great day together yesterday too, and, yes, the house almost looks like we are not still in transition. But I keep thinking: Kyra would have loved all these little cuddle spots. And I worry for Natasha, who’s still looking for her friend and second mother, and seems sadder and more serious than her normal, playful self. None of us has really found that emotional balance yet.

All this means that the picture that floated past on Facebook today spoke to me, so I’m sharing it with you, too. It feels remarkably similar to a Buddhist teaching on “no self” hubs forwarded yesterday, and underlines last week’s injunction to be at home within yourself.

I suspect part of my difficulty stems from a week of an intensive exam prep class on top of regular school work and everything else going on. I face months’ more study time if I hope to pass the PMP certification, but I also hadn’t realized how much overlap there would be between what is covered in MBA classes and that certification, so feel at least halfway more prepared than I’d expected. It still left me exhausted.

It also left me feeling rather more decrepit than I would have expected. We only managed two walks this week, and my back has been punishing me for my laxity. Maybe a return to my regular work schedule will help remind us that after dinner is a good time to stretch our legs. Maybe some calendar distance will also help us avoid the inevitable “the last time we walked this way, Kyra was with us.”

We’ll see. I also need to find the time to get back to fiction writing. I’m starting to feel like there could be some catharsis in finishing Jasper’s Story… but I also ran across an old journal with an enticing plot bunny while I was organizing my office this week. So there are writer’s cogs churning again.

The lifehack tips keep coming, too. Hubs found one with a few cleaning tips I really need to implement (squeegie doggie fur?!), as well as some ways to optimize buying organic veggies.

While my life still feels challenging, I also have to remind myself that next Sunday at this time I will have turned in my final mid-term, and our house really will be settled (since it’s likely we’ll be hosting guests once more). I also have some fun just over the horizon with a visit to Gayla coming the first of October. So I’ll keep attempting to reach my non-school/non-work mini-goals, hoping that my forward progress generates some momentum. And I’ll encourage you once more to check out how my ROW80 cohorts are doing with their goals.

4 Responses to “Keeping Faith”

  1. ((hugs))
    Still miss my pooch too. I have had her paw print sitting on the floor in my office where I subconsciously hid it after bringing it home. This weekend I got it out and displayed it on a shelf. My girls took my favorite picture of Joey and tacked it up in their room, so we are all starting to accept that we don’t have her physically anymore, but we still have memories, and love.

    I don’t know when I’ll stop thinking that every piece of food I drop in the kitchen is going to be snarfed up, and then find myself surprised that it’s still sitting there when I turn around, and I do indeed have to clean it up.

  2. We can’t wait until you get here! =)
    I will share my deck with you and feed you steak.

  3. Lisa says:

    “Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.” (Rumi)

    You’ve a lot on your plate right now, with the moving in, the studies, the loss, and I wish you all the very best this week. Take care of yourself.

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